Ash Walks Off a Cliff While Misty Sings Voltaire and Some Junk Happens
by Tanicus Caesareth
Summary: "One day, Ash walked off a cliff because he's an idiot." When that's the first line to a fanfiction, you know it's gonna be terrible. A poorly written crack fic that may or may not have more chapters depending on whether or not the magical crack fiction fairy decides to visit me again.
1. Voltaire and Walking Off of Cliffs

I wrote a crack fic because why not? Inspired by the lovely Perdy Toes and his lovely fanfictions (or her... Well, "taters", apparently.)  
Enjoy! Or don't. You probably won't enjoy it. Go get yourself a bean burrito, it'll make you feel better.

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One day, Ash walked off a cliff because he's an idiot. Gary Firetrucking Oak fell out of the sky and screamed "EPIC FAIL" because he was trying to be funny or whatever.

Then Misty rode in on a shiny Gyarados because who needs bikes nowadays, amirite?

Misty jumped off of the Gyarados with sheer excellence and sat on a log. She then rolled her eyes and kicked this rhyme.

"DEATH, DEATH, DEVIL DEVIL DEVIL DEVIL, EVIL EVIL EVIL EVIL SONGS! Hell, you know that's how I get along! The world is full of idiots, so how can it be wrong? Singin' death death death death, devil devil, evil evil songs…"

"MISTY STOP SINGING VOLTAIRE HE'S GHEY." Oh look, Ash finally climbed back up the cliff. He's still an idiot.

"Well maybe YOU'RE ghey. Ever think about that?"

"GO AWAY I HATE YOU!" And then Ash ran off a cliff again. Yep, still 100% idiot. Ok, continuing.

Then His holiness, Spongebob Squarepants, descended from the heavens and, creating a rainbow from his hands, said, "NOBODY CARES."

Then he blew up. His almighty sponginess scattered across the globe, blessing the seas with His omnipotence.

Shhhh, no tears, only dreams now. Anyways.

Voltaire ascended from Hell wearing pink spandex and a rainbow feather boa and said "WELL I NEVER" and then he fabulously walked off of the cliff too. But as he fell, he played his violin and junk, so I guess it was pretty cool.

BUT PLOT TWIST: HE GREW DEMON WINGS AND FLEW BACK UP, AND HE WAS CARRYING NONE OTHER THAN ASH KETCHUP *dun dun dun*

Oh, and he was still playing his violin.

Then Ash gave Voltaire an affectionate lick, leapt out of his arms, and ran over to Misty. They started making out and it was kind of nasty but kind of "Oh hey look at that," know what I mean?

Ash was all like "MISTY YOU ARE MY DARLING ANGEL AND WHENEVER I SEE YOU MY HEART LEAPS AND CHAMPANGE FALLS FROM THE SKY AND I NEVER TOLD YOU UNTIL JUST NOW AM I FUNNY YET? HUH? ARE YOU HAPPY FANFICTION READERS? IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED?!"

…

DANGIT ASH STOP LOOKING AT THE CAMERA. GO WALK OFF A CLIFF OR SOMETHING, GEEZ. I DON'T NEED YOUR NEGATIVITY IN MY LIFE.

…

GYARADOS. STOP EATING GARY. GAWD.

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Did you hate it? Good! More to come! :D

No Voltaires, Gary Firetrucking Oaks, or Spongebobs were harmed in the making of this crack fic. I love Voltaire and I do not have anything against ghey people.

Are we good now?


	2. Voltaire's Adventures in Kanto

_It was a lovely day in the Lair of Voltaire. The fires were burning bright, and demons were eating, drinking, and being merry. All was well in the Lucifer household. Well… Not really._

"DANGIT SATAN I'M BORED. PLAY A GAME WITH ME," said Voltaire.

"No. Eat your peas," said Satan.

"BUT HOW SHALL I EAT THEM?!" questioned Voltaire.

"With a fork, a spoon, or your fingers," replied Satan.

"I'LL USE MY FINGERS DAAAAD," squealed Voltaire in delight.

"FOR THE LAST TIME, VOLTAIRE, I AM NOT YOUR DAD. GET OUT OF MY HOUSE, VOLTAIRE. I'M SICK AND TIRED OF DEALING WITH YOUR CRAP, VOLTAIRE," shouted Satan.

"FINE."

So off Voltaire went to find a source of entertainment for his fragile little mind. Somehow, he wound up in Pallet Town… Perhaps from lazy writing in an effort to tie him in with this story?

***queue travelling montage***

_It was a lovely day in Pallet Town. The sun was shining, the Pidgeys were chirping, and all was well at the Ketchum household. Well… Not really._

So Ash was lying on the couch one day when he said "WHO'S THAT POKEMON?!"

And then Brock smashed through the door and threw an Onix at his face.

"Owwww… That huuuuuuurt…"

"YA THINK?! IT WAS AN ONIX, MOTHER TRUCKER. AN ONIX!"

"Really? I didn't know that."

And then Brock facepalmed so hard that he grew sideburns.

"Tomato soup, Ash. Tomato soup."

"I don't like tomato soup."

"I don't care."

**Well this is clearly not going anywhere, so let's check in on Misty…**

***transitions n' junk***

_It was a lovely day in Cerulean City. The sun was shining, the Pidgeys were chirping, and all was well at the Cerulean Gym. Well… Not really._

"OH MY GOD PSYDUCK THAT'S NOT HOW YOU USE A GUN. LET ME SHOW YOU HOW YOU REALLY USE A GUN. VIOLET, GET DOWN HERE."

"Like yaaah, what's up sis?"

*bang*

"SEE PSYDUCK? THAT'S HOW YOU USE A GUN."

And then there were sirens. WEE-WOO WEE-WOO WEE-WOO WEE-WOO! (expert sound effects right there)

"OK PSYDUCK; USE WHAT YOU LEARNED TO KILL THESE COPS. I GOTTA BAIL."

And then Misty jumped out the window.

"SEE YOU ON THE FLIP SIDE PSYDUCK!"

"Psy-yi?" (WHAT DID YOU SAY TO ME YOU CAN OF TOMATO SOUP?!)

And then Psyduck died in a shootout with the police

**DE ENDE!11!1!1!1!**

**But wait… What happened to Voltaire?**

**PLOT TWIST: HE'S RIGHT BEHIND YOU.**


End file.
